by God’s grace this is not a crisis of faith

((to my pastor))

I’ve been asked, “Which truth about God is difficult for you to believe & rightly respond to?”

a few weeks ago Something Needs to Change was released. Great write; challenging read - inviting me back to His heart. truth I’ve known, and pathetically, let the urgency slip away

I am answering the question; the long way around

in light of human trafficking, as I see the faces of our children, and the precious children around me in the daily, I know it is only by the grace of God they are here, not being raped and abused in manners too horrific to think on for longer than a moment without crawling out of my skin in desperation and desire to make it not be...
in the shadows of human trafficking, today, the truth most difficult for me to believe is that He can be trusted. feels so very wrong to put that in print, because I KNOW, no doubt, He is trustworthy. And, He is good. I know. By His grace alone, I know. And yet. It is difficult to reconcile Who He is (trustworthy and good and kind and love), with this He allows [as I understand it to be, no thing can occur without His ‘yes’(Job 1:12, 2:6)]

by God’s grace, this isn’t a crisis of faith, because by God’s grace, I believe. and yet, somehow here I am. again. been here before. Working to resolve this conundrum. (and I know there are many of my sisters and brothers living hard things, living horrific things, asking the question —can He be trusted?— borne from a present and firsthand experience... condemnation and shame are shoving to get in, but also by His grace - I’m not going there. I’m at His feet instead)

In times past, and today, I just keep repeating the Truth I know. John 3:16. Isiah 41:10. Psalm 56:9b. Romans 5:1-5. Lamentations 3:21-25 “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him.’”

So, the reason I’m here. Is there a way to not be here, again? As evidenced by the times I’ve been here before, I’ll repeat Truth to the point where I am so focused on Truth, there isn’t room for the question. And so I’ll move on in complete trust... until one day, when I’m once again staring at something too dreadful for me to understand. (could it be, the daily repeating of Truth is the answer?)

I’m asking you for your wisdom - How? what? so that I’m not be here again